Nader is an Employee of the Republican Party or How to get an Independent Elected

What the fuck?! I can't believe he's doing it again! After recovering from my year 2000 presidential election induced drinking binge, I swore up and down that Ralph Nader was an employee of the Republican Party. My friend at KBOO in Portland was taken aback when I declared my conviction,

"Hey man, you're too young to be that cynical."

Well, my good hippie friend, I am sad to say you are too old to be that wrong, the same shit is happening a third time. He did it in 2000. Again, in 2004, and let me remind you of the integrity of our federal government wherein I received an absentee ballot from the US Embassy in Cairo and when I was writing in my vote I noticed that Vice-President was spelled, and I kid you not, V-I-S-E President. And now, again, in 2008, claiming some malarkey about all the Democratic candidates being too supportive of big business. No shit Sherlock! How else is someone going to obtain the tens of millions of dollars necessary to campaign for the highest government post in the land. They have to kiss some ass. And he went on to say that he isn't taking away any votes from Democrats because nobody would vote for a warmonger like McCain anyway. Imagine me stunned silent, and sharply blinking arrhythmically. Nobody would vote for him? When I went back home to visit in 2003, and during my visits in subsequent years, I couldn't get over the grandiose level of flag waving that had permeated, and still does, American Society. Everyone is a potential enemy. What? you don't trust those folks south of the border? Here's some red, white, and blue tortilla chips to stick in your Mexican salsa, they'll get the picture! As a child, I was in the Boy Scouts, as Tom Lehrer labeled "those noble, little bastions of democracy", and know, first-hand, the psyche we're dealing with here. A population so rattled by fear of an enemy that is over magnified in the fucking media to become this evil force looming over all. Does McCarthy ring a bell? All a government official has to do is use the word "intelligence" and we're ready to murder every Muslim on the planet! An interesting society we live in when we are frightened by intelligence. Back to Nader, that motherfucker.

*taking deep breath*
*holding it*
*slowly exhaling*

I must apoligize for the profanity. This is just a bit much for me to take. A man, who has made a career out of doing things that are noble and just for society, goes and pulls a stunt like this...repeatedly. Me? I blame dementia. I met a feller like this once, on Amtrak. A sweet old man who seemed to have this endless string of tales about colorful people and their amazing adventures. Each vignette was triggered by a bright flash of light that flicked past the window of the speeding train. All stories unconnected and so utterly fantastic...he had my complete attention. He was so cute, I just wanted to stick him in my pocket and save him for my next acid trip. When my jaw would get stiff, my surroundings fuzzy, and I was assured that everything was one, I would pull him out of my pocket and let him take me to a magical land where everything was down-home and made of bubbles and marzipan. That someone can be so captivating and seem so lucid, it simply sweeps away all rational integrity and excuses complete insanity. His daughter then leaned over and apologized to me, "It's been getting worse over the past couple of years." She then took her colorful father to the bathroom for his round of meds.

"Say-a, Ralphy boy! How ya gonna pay the rent this month?"
"Well, Norton, I'm gonna run for president!"
"But, doesn't that require money? I've heard it's expensive."
"You see my dim friend, that's just it! All I have to do is make a couple of speeches to a few college students, avoid the mass media, and the Republicans will give me all the money I want!"
"Aw Ralphy boy, you sure got this one figured out!"

Not that Ralph Nader is personally lacking in financial capital. In fact, he has smartly invested in a variety of corporate equities, money markets, and mutual funds. However modest his wealth, he clearly understands the role of Corporate America. So, why bite the hand that feeds ya Ralphy? Nader pushes a rhetoric of socialist revolution, most of which I COMPLETELY agree with. He's critical of big business and the current distribution of wealth in the United States. He is openly critical of the political left not being left enough, I applaud this. However, he falls short in rational talents when considering his own self as a potential candidate for the executive office. He lacks the charisma and wide-spread national support, the two most important elements of any leader, regardless of political platform.

Now, Ralph is an intelligent guy and should be capable of recognizing the relevance of such characteristics. These are the elements that get things done. Jimmy Carter is a perfect example of a man with good ideas and poor leadership. Only a certain type of animal is successful in this environment. Hell, even Kennedy had to get his head blown off before people really began thinking highly of him. Then, it took a slime-ball like LBJ (my favorite president) to finish the work Kennedy never would have been able to complete because he just didn't have the required support in Congress.

Many progressive thinkers, including Ralph, have stressed the importance of greater political diversity in the federal government and efforts for third party candidates have been numerous, some have even caught the public eye. However, at best, these bids have been symbolic. Bush has been suspected of intentionally destroying civil liberties in an effort to symbolize the ills of a strong central government. Such an accusation is a serious one because it implies a direct assault on the American people, or mechanisms used to protect the American people. I believe running symbolic campaigns are just as dangerous...little need to search beyond the last eight years of idiocracy to find the reason why. Nader also likes to add a statistical dressing to this salad claiming that 25% of his votes came from Republicans, 38% came from Democrats, and the rest wouldn't have voted at all unless he spoke up. I didn't know you could lift that information from an anonymous ballot. I guess he needed to justify his new source of income.

"So, Hugh. You think you're so fucking smart, what would you do?"

Well yes, I do think I'm smart. And, indeed, I'm composing a conundrum. How can we get a genuine, tree-huggin', granola munchin', Chairman Mao lovin', socially active hippie off of my couch and elected? Easy, pack his nose full of coke and dress the fucker up like a frat boy.

"Fuck you Hugh! What you got against Greek life?"

Nothing. In fact, the cultural attitudes of the ancient Greeks on male homosexuality might even be construed as progressive by today's standards, if they didn't include a parallel disdain for women. Now, with respect to the fraternal tradition, many great thinkers and contributors of all things beneficial have worn Greek letters and pins, attended silly parties, and participated in meaningless cycles of humiliation and other generally offensive behavior. It's sort of like a wolf in sheep's clothing approach to subverting the system. I believe an agrarian reference is appropriate here. For some strange reason, the nice coiffure, clean shave, and power-tie combo seems to win people over. If you look like Erroll Flynn, it doesn't matter how many criminal charges or underage sex slaves you have under your belt, people will trust you.

Whatever it is, Ralph just doesn't seem to have it.

There's something about looking like an accountant during tax season that diminishes confidence in a population. Honestly, if Ben Stein and Don Knots had a love child, you'd get Ralph Nader. The idea would be to find someone who can talk Ralph's talk, but is nice to listen to and good to look at. This is where the frat facade is key. More so the case than positive contributors to society, fraternities have a remarkable history of producing just the sort of person with the talent to bull shit back into a steer. It goes a little something like this:

"Ms. Cow, are you sure you want to leave that behind? For twenty dollars I could pack that back in there for ya!"

"Well, thank you kind sir. Gosh, how could I be so blind? I don't know what I was thinking. This is so bovine of me. Where would I be without someone like you to stuff shit back in my ass?"

"Ms. Cow, our company is proud of our customer service record. I imagine we'll be seeing you again tomorrow morning."

"Or maybe sooner!"

So, what you do is begin your search in a high school. Find that kid. You know, the one with the trench coat, cargo pants, Korn t-shirt, and that 24/7 scowl. He (that's right, no chicks, we're talking reality here...nothing says lesbian like a female socialist and, politically, gay is still not fashionable unless you're a designer) should be relatively pimple free and not have any weight issues (no doughballs or meth casualties allowed). The proper candidate should come from an upper middle class family with a well camouflaged dysfunction and terrible secrets. Though not violent, he should be sympathetic to peers with violent tendencies, as well has a strong disgust for "the man". Both of which help develop a strong revolutionary foundation. A grade point average of 2.75 should be acceptable as the ideal candidate will not, likely, have the greatest level of academic integrity due to low self-esteem and an eager sense of rebellion against the senseless demands of the system. Because suicide is popular right now, you may want to select a large pool of potential candidates. Inform each candidate that they are being selected to participate in a plan of general deceit and social derelict with the express purpose of rocking the boat. Convince them to trade the fatigues for LL Bean and get them in the gym. It is important to have a good physique to gain the respect of your peers. Usually, if they are athletic, basketball is often the game of choice. Either way, they should be engaged in a physically aggressive environment. The military is not an option as it will certainly conflict with future associations. Perhaps, some cosmetic surgery, or dental work, may be necessary.

Get them into a university (preferably a competitive one) and convince them to treat the necessary fraternity experience as a game of deceit. The fraternity will help them establish connections, give them support when they start their own NGOs after grad, and give them access to a cache of hot smokin' babes to help their image. They should run a double major of Communications and Political Science and they should read a lot of Chomsky. Get them involved in as many public service projects as possible, giving them considerable practice with social interaction and developing their public appeal. After grad, they should begin a string of NGOs, each of which they secretly run into the ground. These are currency for image. Get them work with a socially/environmentally conscious corporation where they quickly achieve executive status. This is the launching pad into public life. You have a dedicated, left-wing advocate, with corporate appeal and a smile that goes "ding!" Get enough of these guys into the federal government, and we have a ballgame.

Anywho...until next time the news pisses me off or I'm so inspired.

Hugh

Who Moves on to the Next Round?

I find it shocking...well, maybe that's a stretch, I don't really find anything all that shocking anymore. I find it interesting that...well, here we go again, I'm generally turned off by the fusion of popular culture and politics that typify this supercharged media existence we collectively, but only somewhat, experience. I mean, really, who can actually absorb the volume of media required these days to make an informed decision about politics? I won't succumb to apathy, I will vote. But, for who? And why?


A couple of years ago ,when Hillary and Barack were targeted as the most likely candidates to duke it out for a Democratic nomination, during the prime of the Schrub administration, my heart sank. At the risk of sounding both racist and sexist, I was, and still am, firmly disappointed in the political left of our nation. Granted, Barack Obama's rhetoric about change is encouraging, and Hillary Clinton comes with Bill (though not much else), a man I respect and admire. However, in the middle of such delicate international and domestic politics, this is not the time to test the waters of social equality. It's not that we don't need more diversity in our government, we really do. But I'm convinced that if we put a gender, or ethnic, minority up against a good ol' boy, we are going to have another Republican president that will happily continue to support the ass-fucking our country and world is currently receiving. But we can't help not watch it happen. It's absolutely impossible to tear our attention away. It's like that bloody wreck on the side of the road that you can't peel your eyes away from. Only, it's immediately outside your window and you're stopped in a traffic jam. All of the gore, the little chunks of bone and tissue dribbling down the jagged fissure of a broken steering column; the bloodied baby still crying; the dead mother with those half-open eyes and that impossible posture, balanced on the pavement...then you hear an announcement on the radio:

"This is Ryan Seacrest reminding you not to miss tonight's exciting episode of American Idol: Season 7. That's right, last night it was the guys, and tonight the girls are going to show their stuff and give you a chance to vote which one could give Simon Cowell the best hummer. Tune in tonight at 8/7 Central to find out who will move on to the next round!"

You look at your watch and notice you only have 20 minutes to go.

As you, my dear reader, may now know, I have a television. I went for six years without owning one. Now, after countless hours of watching the fabulous Kimora Lee Simmons on the E! Entertaintment network, I am completely unable to comprehend what the hell I did with my time for all those years prior. I generally switch between about four Networks (E!, Star World, Discovery Travel & Living, and CNN with a BBC or Al-Jazeera chaser), but pay for thirty.

Lately, I've been watching American Idol. It's on now as a matter of fact. Perhaps, it is the cognitive anesthetization keeping me fom thinking about other things more relevant. However, today's news about the Clinton-Obama debates in Texas, that assuages any trickle of hope for intelligence or appropriateness from our press corps, has me happily gulping groomed bubblegum and pop-culture idealism for a new generation. Apparently, Barack Obama is a person to "beat". Now, they didn't say "lynched", but this is the era of political correctness. Without any other intellectual stimulation coming from the Associated Press, I turn my attention back to the audio-visual morphine pouring out through the satellites that are NOT currently being shot out of the sky.

"So, Hugh. What do you expect, you arrogant fuck? Can you think of something better? Do you think you could do a better job?"

Yes, but I'm far too lazy. I can barely contribute to this damned blog more than a few times a year (I'm working to change this). However, I think the answer can be found in American Idol. There is a striking similarity between this popular culture phenomena and the presidential race. Despite waning interest in reality television, American Idol stills captivates the minds of those with access. The parallel in the presidential race lies in a lackluster interest in the political process, an argument well supported by statistics in comparison to other developed democratic nations throughout the world. Americans don't vote. But, damnit, we fucking love our gossip and dirty laundry. Don Henley even wrote a hit song about it. Not that we'll actually make it out to the polls,

"Oh, I was at work." (actually, a sadly legitimate excuse)
"My vote doesn't count."
"I don't like the choices."
- insert bitch-ass excuse here-

but we love to have something to talk about at the water cooler. And what could be better to make us feel thoughtful, or part of a citizenry, than being up to date on the current goings-on of the democratic process. Like, who has been eliminated this week? Will Huckabee stay the course and upset McCain? Will that sassy rocker chick from Indiana pull through? Will Clinton and Obama join forces and run together? Will American Idol blow everybody's mind and launch a new super duo like Peaches and Herb or Captain and Tannille?

Personally, I'm vying for a Survivor-esque primary where all candidates are dropped off in Newark with nothing but an eight-ball and a block of government cheese. Once again, I think the Dems have an advantage. Obama might start a youth group where the kids can turn the eight-ball into a profitable venture, or Clinton can turn tricks to buy another one. Huckabee certainly wouldn't last long, though McCain could potentially offer us an explosive demonstration, closely resembling Rambo IV, as he soldiers his way to glory and eventually takes Jersey City as well. Nothing but pure entertainment for the whole family here. All I need now is an agent and a studio...there's money to be made here folks...drop me an email.

A Day at the Beach

Yesterday morning, I was greeted with an annoyance, a rain shower. No surprise though, it is the rainy season...the cost of living in the tropics. You see, karma has this particularly twisted way of making automatic withdrawals when you live in a place where the temperature rarely goes above 90 or below 80. More on karma later.

It is averaged that Jakarta (more so North Jakarta) has a good flood once every five years. It happened last year, and again this year, almost one year later to the day. The good thing about this flood is that it could be a lot worse. Thankfully, there are no raging torrents of water rushing downslope; no flash flooding to compromise the electrical grid creating an extremely dangerous aqua environment; no eroding embankments of land holding villages waiting for doom. None of this. The only concern here is the more subtle spread of disease. Jakarta, lacking a significant underground utility infrastructure, manages human waste with the use of open sewers and canals...yay!

Flood relief is also facilitated by these canals with the general concept that all things nasty simply wash out to sea where a more conveniently unseen issue is created. However, these canals have a tendency to get blocked as they tend to facilitate a means of garbage disposal as well as makeshift vegetable gardening...lots of nitrates. So, when the rains come heavy and prolonged, these canals fill up very quickly and join with the more shallow tributary sewage ditches lining the roads, flooding everything in between to make one big brown river...Mmm! I'm lucky. I live in a high rise with a mini grocery and cable TV (at least until the power goes out). I have a healthy cache of rice, pasta, and meat, so I should be all right in case this lasts a few days...did I mention it's the rainy season?


So, while the lesser valued real estate turns into a post apocalyptic water world with small children floating around on stacks of used nasi goreng styrofoam plates, those of us more fortunate get to wait it out in our high and dry environs. This is where the karma issue should kick in. How secure are the pipes bringing us our tap water? Ought we shower? I'm looking forward to growing an additional limb. Or, perhaps, a new cancer that brings me special morphine-induced powers for about six to eight months. In actuality, I'm waiting for the zombies to gurgle up from the chunky depths and begin to wet their appetites with the well-to-do. I think I could last through about five or six of them, maybe, with my new campung machete that was ground from a suspension ribbon. Yeah, that'll stop the zombies. Them fuckers ain't gettin' my brains!


Oh, wait, there's the alarm...it's a quarter after cocktail! Enjoy!

"Haters" Unite with the O'Riley Factor

Yo, why you hatin' b?

Before I begin, throughout this piece, you will randomly see the text phrase "Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban"...please treat it as an annoying piece of code you would normally ignore in any other IT situation. Its use is simply a desperate means of attracting web hits.

My intent is to, perhaps, prove Bill O'Riley right on one account...explanation below.

I looked up from the computer a moment ago and noticed that Fox News was on...*shudder*. Completely accidental, I did not have control of the remote. I hopelessly reached for the remote control, digits flailing, but the laptop was too heavy. The bitter irony here is, living in my new location of Jakarta, I actually pay for my cable service (no more climbing telephone poles for me)...I pay to receive Fox News. - Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban - There is actually a transaction that takes place - yes, voluntary exchange - that includes my being able to watch this programming (word choice intentional). Today's smattering of intelligence insulting banter was a predictable deluge of slander against the "liberal" media.

Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban

The word "liberal" has become a popular tool of criticism, used by the political right to describe anyone who exhibits even a modicum of tolerance for anyone whose life style or political point of view differs from what Pat Robertson might slur between highballs and lines of coke off a 14-year old boy's bare ass. - Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban - It's one of those inside jokes that took me a while to get, not because I'm an idiot, but because I'm not on the inside. I know people who take offense to this usage of the term. I've always found this interesting because such media is not directed to a general population, but a to demographic of people who explicitly identify with this brand of rhetoric.

Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban

I don't take offense for three reasons:

1. These "liberals" they speak of are a little too far right for my own flavor. I'm a registered socialist...and even those green schmucks come off a little candy-assed for my taste.
2. If I were listening to one of these programs, it was by accident and I deserve to be insulted.
3. The root of the word liberal is "liberalism", an early 18th century brand of political-economic thought that most closely resembles the present "conservative" political right. Knowing this rather obscure bit of trivia, I even find self-proclaimed "liberals" a little silly...one of my own little inside jokes that nobody gets.

Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban

The O'Riley Factor is apparently a rather popular show. I'm not sure if it amounts to dedicated viewers, or the addition of horrified passersby who can't tear their eyes from the bloody, twisted wreck of intellectual integrity displayed before them. Anywho, the phrase which caught my attention this evening was not "liberal", but the use of a current nomenclature of popular culture: Bill O'Riley, completely straight faced (not sure if I could even do it) replaced the word "liberal" with "hater". Upon hearing this, I looked up to see a picture of Al Franken as a radio show host with the tagline of "liberal media", or something like that. I promptly lost interest in delving deeper. However, I couldn't shake the "hater" comment...especially when he used it repeatedly throughout the segment while interviewing a communications professor from a respected university.

Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban

So, how is Bill O'Riley right? Generally, intellectually arrogant people (like myself) have a rather grim outlook on the level of intelligence of the general population. I believe Grand Old Bill (B has a P sound in the Arabic language...another inside joke) feels much the same way. This is why he, and his "news" colleagues, devote such considerable effort to thought provoking dialogue and critical political commentary.

Bill O'Riley transcends sub-urban

I am of the belief that he thinks his audience is a touch slow, and I tend to agree. So, to better with those less literate, he's loosened his power tie just a little bit, turned his ball cap to the side, and started droppin' k-nowledge for all da shorties out there. Good job Bill. Way to honor those rating points.