Nader is an Employee of the Republican Party or How to get an Independent Elected
What the fuck?! I can't believe he's doing it again! After recovering from my year 2000 presidential election induced drinking binge, I swore up and down that Ralph Nader was an employee of the Republican Party. My friend at KBOO in Portland was taken aback when I declared my conviction,
"Hey man, you're too young to be that cynical."
Well, my good hippie friend, I am sad to say you are too old to be that wrong, the same shit is happening a third time. He did it in 2000. Again, in 2004, and let me remind you of the integrity of our federal government wherein I received an absentee ballot from the US Embassy in Cairo and when I was writing in my vote I noticed that Vice-President was spelled, and I kid you not, V-I-S-E President. And now, again, in 2008, claiming some malarkey about all the Democratic candidates being too supportive of big business. No shit Sherlock! How else is someone going to obtain the tens of millions of dollars necessary to campaign for the highest government post in the land. They have to kiss some ass. And he went on to say that he isn't taking away any votes from Democrats because nobody would vote for a warmonger like McCain anyway. Imagine me stunned silent, and sharply blinking arrhythmically. Nobody would vote for him? When I went back home to visit in 2003, and during my visits in subsequent years, I couldn't get over the grandiose level of flag waving that had permeated, and still does, American Society. Everyone is a potential enemy. What? you don't trust those folks south of the border? Here's some red, white, and blue tortilla chips to stick in your Mexican salsa, they'll get the picture! As a child, I was in the Boy Scouts, as Tom Lehrer labeled "those noble, little bastions of democracy", and know, first-hand, the psyche we're dealing with here. A population so rattled by fear of an enemy that is over magnified in the fucking media to become this evil force looming over all. Does McCarthy ring a bell? All a government official has to do is use the word "intelligence" and we're ready to murder every Muslim on the planet! An interesting society we live in when we are frightened by intelligence. Back to Nader, that motherfucker.
*taking deep breath*
*holding it*
*slowly exhaling*
I must apoligize for the profanity. This is just a bit much for me to take. A man, who has made a career out of doing things that are noble and just for society, goes and pulls a stunt like this...repeatedly. Me? I blame dementia. I met a feller like this once, on Amtrak. A sweet old man who seemed to have this endless string of tales about colorful people and their amazing adventures. Each vignette was triggered by a bright flash of light that flicked past the window of the speeding train. All stories unconnected and so utterly fantastic...he had my complete attention. He was so cute, I just wanted to stick him in my pocket and save him for my next acid trip. When my jaw would get stiff, my surroundings fuzzy, and I was assured that everything was one, I would pull him out of my pocket and let him take me to a magical land where everything was down-home and made of bubbles and marzipan. That someone can be so captivating and seem so lucid, it simply sweeps away all rational integrity and excuses complete insanity. His daughter then leaned over and apologized to me, "It's been getting worse over the past couple of years." She then took her colorful father to the bathroom for his round of meds.
"Say-a, Ralphy boy! How ya gonna pay the rent this month?"
"Well, Norton, I'm gonna run for president!"
"But, doesn't that require money? I've heard it's expensive."
"You see my dim friend, that's just it! All I have to do is make a couple of speeches to a few college students, avoid the mass media, and the Republicans will give me all the money I want!"
"Aw Ralphy boy, you sure got this one figured out!"
Not that Ralph Nader is personally lacking in financial capital. In fact, he has smartly invested in a variety of corporate equities, money markets, and mutual funds. However modest his wealth, he clearly understands the role of Corporate America. So, why bite the hand that feeds ya Ralphy? Nader pushes a rhetoric of socialist revolution, most of which I COMPLETELY agree with. He's critical of big business and the current distribution of wealth in the United States. He is openly critical of the political left not being left enough, I applaud this. However, he falls short in rational talents when considering his own self as a potential candidate for the executive office. He lacks the charisma and wide-spread national support, the two most important elements of any leader, regardless of political platform.
Now, Ralph is an intelligent guy and should be capable of recognizing the relevance of such characteristics. These are the elements that get things done. Jimmy Carter is a perfect example of a man with good ideas and poor leadership. Only a certain type of animal is successful in this environment. Hell, even Kennedy had to get his head blown off before people really began thinking highly of him. Then, it took a slime-ball like LBJ (my favorite president) to finish the work Kennedy never would have been able to complete because he just didn't have the required support in Congress.
Many progressive thinkers, including Ralph, have stressed the importance of greater political diversity in the federal government and efforts for third party candidates have been numerous, some have even caught the public eye. However, at best, these bids have been symbolic. Bush has been suspected of intentionally destroying civil liberties in an effort to symbolize the ills of a strong central government. Such an accusation is a serious one because it implies a direct assault on the American people, or mechanisms used to protect the American people. I believe running symbolic campaigns are just as dangerous...little need to search beyond the last eight years of idiocracy to find the reason why. Nader also likes to add a statistical dressing to this salad claiming that 25% of his votes came from Republicans, 38% came from Democrats, and the rest wouldn't have voted at all unless he spoke up. I didn't know you could lift that information from an anonymous ballot. I guess he needed to justify his new source of income.
"So, Hugh. You think you're so fucking smart, what would you do?"
Well yes, I do think I'm smart. And, indeed, I'm composing a conundrum. How can we get a genuine, tree-huggin', granola munchin', Chairman Mao lovin', socially active hippie off of my couch and elected? Easy, pack his nose full of coke and dress the fucker up like a frat boy.
"Fuck you Hugh! What you got against Greek life?"
Nothing. In fact, the cultural attitudes of the ancient Greeks on male homosexuality might even be construed as progressive by today's standards, if they didn't include a parallel disdain for women. Now, with respect to the fraternal tradition, many great thinkers and contributors of all things beneficial have worn Greek letters and pins, attended silly parties, and participated in meaningless cycles of humiliation and other generally offensive behavior. It's sort of like a wolf in sheep's clothing approach to subverting the system. I believe an agrarian reference is appropriate here. For some strange reason, the nice coiffure, clean shave, and power-tie combo seems to win people over. If you look like Erroll Flynn, it doesn't matter how many criminal charges or underage sex slaves you have under your belt, people will trust you.
"Hey man, you're too young to be that cynical."
Well, my good hippie friend, I am sad to say you are too old to be that wrong, the same shit is happening a third time. He did it in 2000. Again, in 2004, and let me remind you of the integrity of our federal government wherein I received an absentee ballot from the US Embassy in Cairo and when I was writing in my vote I noticed that Vice-President was spelled, and I kid you not, V-I-S-E President. And now, again, in 2008, claiming some malarkey about all the Democratic candidates being too supportive of big business. No shit Sherlock! How else is someone going to obtain the tens of millions of dollars necessary to campaign for the highest government post in the land. They have to kiss some ass. And he went on to say that he isn't taking away any votes from Democrats because nobody would vote for a warmonger like McCain anyway. Imagine me stunned silent, and sharply blinking arrhythmically. Nobody would vote for him? When I went back home to visit in 2003, and during my visits in subsequent years, I couldn't get over the grandiose level of flag waving that had permeated, and still does, American Society. Everyone is a potential enemy. What? you don't trust those folks south of the border? Here's some red, white, and blue tortilla chips to stick in your Mexican salsa, they'll get the picture! As a child, I was in the Boy Scouts, as Tom Lehrer labeled "those noble, little bastions of democracy", and know, first-hand, the psyche we're dealing with here. A population so rattled by fear of an enemy that is over magnified in the fucking media to become this evil force looming over all. Does McCarthy ring a bell? All a government official has to do is use the word "intelligence" and we're ready to murder every Muslim on the planet! An interesting society we live in when we are frightened by intelligence. Back to Nader, that motherfucker.
*taking deep breath*
*holding it*
*slowly exhaling*
I must apoligize for the profanity. This is just a bit much for me to take. A man, who has made a career out of doing things that are noble and just for society, goes and pulls a stunt like this...repeatedly. Me? I blame dementia. I met a feller like this once, on Amtrak. A sweet old man who seemed to have this endless string of tales about colorful people and their amazing adventures. Each vignette was triggered by a bright flash of light that flicked past the window of the speeding train. All stories unconnected and so utterly fantastic...he had my complete attention. He was so cute, I just wanted to stick him in my pocket and save him for my next acid trip. When my jaw would get stiff, my surroundings fuzzy, and I was assured that everything was one, I would pull him out of my pocket and let him take me to a magical land where everything was down-home and made of bubbles and marzipan. That someone can be so captivating and seem so lucid, it simply sweeps away all rational integrity and excuses complete insanity. His daughter then leaned over and apologized to me, "It's been getting worse over the past couple of years." She then took her colorful father to the bathroom for his round of meds.
"Say-a, Ralphy boy! How ya gonna pay the rent this month?"
"Well, Norton, I'm gonna run for president!"
"But, doesn't that require money? I've heard it's expensive."
"You see my dim friend, that's just it! All I have to do is make a couple of speeches to a few college students, avoid the mass media, and the Republicans will give me all the money I want!"
"Aw Ralphy boy, you sure got this one figured out!"
Not that Ralph Nader is personally lacking in financial capital. In fact, he has smartly invested in a variety of corporate equities, money markets, and mutual funds. However modest his wealth, he clearly understands the role of Corporate America. So, why bite the hand that feeds ya Ralphy? Nader pushes a rhetoric of socialist revolution, most of which I COMPLETELY agree with. He's critical of big business and the current distribution of wealth in the United States. He is openly critical of the political left not being left enough, I applaud this. However, he falls short in rational talents when considering his own self as a potential candidate for the executive office. He lacks the charisma and wide-spread national support, the two most important elements of any leader, regardless of political platform.
Now, Ralph is an intelligent guy and should be capable of recognizing the relevance of such characteristics. These are the elements that get things done. Jimmy Carter is a perfect example of a man with good ideas and poor leadership. Only a certain type of animal is successful in this environment. Hell, even Kennedy had to get his head blown off before people really began thinking highly of him. Then, it took a slime-ball like LBJ (my favorite president) to finish the work Kennedy never would have been able to complete because he just didn't have the required support in Congress.
Many progressive thinkers, including Ralph, have stressed the importance of greater political diversity in the federal government and efforts for third party candidates have been numerous, some have even caught the public eye. However, at best, these bids have been symbolic. Bush has been suspected of intentionally destroying civil liberties in an effort to symbolize the ills of a strong central government. Such an accusation is a serious one because it implies a direct assault on the American people, or mechanisms used to protect the American people. I believe running symbolic campaigns are just as dangerous...little need to search beyond the last eight years of idiocracy to find the reason why. Nader also likes to add a statistical dressing to this salad claiming that 25% of his votes came from Republicans, 38% came from Democrats, and the rest wouldn't have voted at all unless he spoke up. I didn't know you could lift that information from an anonymous ballot. I guess he needed to justify his new source of income.
"So, Hugh. You think you're so fucking smart, what would you do?"
Well yes, I do think I'm smart. And, indeed, I'm composing a conundrum. How can we get a genuine, tree-huggin', granola munchin', Chairman Mao lovin', socially active hippie off of my couch and elected? Easy, pack his nose full of coke and dress the fucker up like a frat boy.
"Fuck you Hugh! What you got against Greek life?"
Nothing. In fact, the cultural attitudes of the ancient Greeks on male homosexuality might even be construed as progressive by today's standards, if they didn't include a parallel disdain for women. Now, with respect to the fraternal tradition, many great thinkers and contributors of all things beneficial have worn Greek letters and pins, attended silly parties, and participated in meaningless cycles of humiliation and other generally offensive behavior. It's sort of like a wolf in sheep's clothing approach to subverting the system. I believe an agrarian reference is appropriate here. For some strange reason, the nice coiffure, clean shave, and power-tie combo seems to win people over. If you look like Erroll Flynn, it doesn't matter how many criminal charges or underage sex slaves you have under your belt, people will trust you.
Whatever it is, Ralph just doesn't seem to have it.
There's something about looking like an accountant during tax season that diminishes confidence in a population. Honestly, if Ben Stein and Don Knots had a love child, you'd get Ralph Nader. The idea would be to find someone who can talk Ralph's talk, but is nice to listen to and good to look at. This is where the frat facade is key. More so the case than positive contributors to society, fraternities have a remarkable history of producing just the sort of person with the talent to bull shit back into a steer. It goes a little something like this:
"Ms. Cow, are you sure you want to leave that behind? For twenty dollars I could pack that back in there for ya!"
"Well, thank you kind sir. Gosh, how could I be so blind? I don't know what I was thinking. This is so bovine of me. Where would I be without someone like you to stuff shit back in my ass?"
"Ms. Cow, our company is proud of our customer service record. I imagine we'll be seeing you again tomorrow morning."
"Or maybe sooner!"
So, what you do is begin your search in a high school. Find that kid. You know, the one with the trench coat, cargo pants, Korn t-shirt, and that 24/7 scowl. He (that's right, no chicks, we're talking reality here...nothing says lesbian like a female socialist and, politically, gay is still not fashionable unless you're a designer) should be relatively pimple free and not have any weight issues (no doughballs or meth casualties allowed). The proper candidate should come from an upper middle class family with a well camouflaged dysfunction and terrible secrets. Though not violent, he should be sympathetic to peers with violent tendencies, as well has a strong disgust for "the man". Both of which help develop a strong revolutionary foundation. A grade point average of 2.75 should be acceptable as the ideal candidate will not, likely, have the greatest level of academic integrity due to low self-esteem and an eager sense of rebellion against the senseless demands of the system. Because suicide is popular right now, you may want to select a large pool of potential candidates. Inform each candidate that they are being selected to participate in a plan of general deceit and social derelict with the express purpose of rocking the boat. Convince them to trade the fatigues for LL Bean and get them in the gym. It is important to have a good physique to gain the respect of your peers. Usually, if they are athletic, basketball is often the game of choice. Either way, they should be engaged in a physically aggressive environment. The military is not an option as it will certainly conflict with future associations. Perhaps, some cosmetic surgery, or dental work, may be necessary.
Get them into a university (preferably a competitive one) and convince them to treat the necessary fraternity experience as a game of deceit. The fraternity will help them establish connections, give them support when they start their own NGOs after grad, and give them access to a cache of hot smokin' babes to help their image. They should run a double major of Communications and Political Science and they should read a lot of Chomsky. Get them involved in as many public service projects as possible, giving them considerable practice with social interaction and developing their public appeal. After grad, they should begin a string of NGOs, each of which they secretly run into the ground. These are currency for image. Get them work with a socially/environmentally conscious corporation where they quickly achieve executive status. This is the launching pad into public life. You have a dedicated, left-wing advocate, with corporate appeal and a smile that goes "ding!" Get enough of these guys into the federal government, and we have a ballgame.
Anywho...until next time the news pisses me off or I'm so inspired.
Hugh
posted by Hugh @ 3:57 PM
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